August 13, 2024

Hi Tina,

Last month I shared topics on how to say the hard things.  This month we will continue with that theme and look at feedback. 

Giving feedback can be hard.  Receiving it is even worse. 

Lately, a few clients have been tackling how to give constructive feedback so that the result is productive. 

Great business leaders and owners know how to give effective feedback, are receptive to receiving feedback, and see it as a gift. 

In this article, you’ll learn how to reframe feedback to help your relationships and see your business grow.

To your success,

Tina Asher
Business/Career Coach • Trainer • Author
Build U Up Consulting

Taking Feedback (to Heart)

A colleague at a meeting with you at work gives you feedback. They say that you were too quiet, didn’t get to the point quickly, and lacked a compelling example.

Your breathing goes shallow, your body stiffens, your heart speeds up, and you look around to see if anyone is in earshot of this conversation.

Faced with the often-difficult experience of feedback—in our work and personal lives—many of us respond in unproductive ways.

Taking feedback from others, both positive and negative, is imperative if we want the satisfaction that comes with enhanced competence and improved relations.

It is possible—and necessary—to think positively about feedback.

Typical Reactions to Feedback

When given difficult feedback, most of us find that we do one or more of the following: 

Pretend. We say little, disguise any hurt or humiliation, push the feelings down, and eventually act like it never happened. Thank you so much for sharing that. 

Defend. We justify our actions, give explanations, and point out reasons. There was so much happening last week, that I didn’t end up with nearly the time I needed to prepare. 

Deny. Denial automatically makes the other person wrong. I didn’t see a problem; I’m great at what I do.

Interrogate. We ask for proof that there is any truth to the feedback. Well, if you want me to understand what you’re trying to get at, I’ll need some specific examples. 

Lash out. Anger is the first reaction for some. Get off my back, will you? How dare you criticize me, you of all people! I thought you were my friend.  

Criticize. We go on the offensive through blame, innuendo, or other unsolicited comments. I never believe anything those hotshots have to say. You know how it is in that department. 

Self-destruct. We turn all our negative reactions inward against ourselves. I am such a loser. I’ll never get it right. I’m never offering my perspective again. 


These reactions distract us from painful feelings of not being good enough, and the notion that we need to change. But adapting to feedback—which inevitably asks us to change, and sometimes significantly—is critical to succeed in our jobs, marriages, and, family relationships.

Turning “Feedback” into “Food for Thought”

Taking the dread out of receiving feedback can happen with as little as a simple twist of words (“I wonder what’s going to happen” instead of “I worry about what’s going to happen”) and a slight shift in beliefs (“All feedback is a gift”).

Here are some guidelines that can help transform feedback into food for thought:

Track your reactions. Recognize your emotions and responses. What body sensations, thoughts, and emotions arise? Recognize that whatever is in your mind is your responsibility. It is not the other person’s fault you are responding as you are. You get to choose how you think and how you respond. When we own our reaction, it opens the way for genuine communication with the other person.

Get support. Though it may be difficult to identify, you may feel inhibited and ashamed upon hearing feedback that requires change. Ask trusted friends to listen, encourage, and offer suggestions. Work with a coach. Even in settings where people are expected to be self-reliant (such as many jobs), it’s nearly impossible to make significant changes without such encouragement.

Listen with an open mind and heart. Begin by acknowledging that the perception of the person giving feedback is the reality that needs to be looked at. Without confirming or denying the perception of that person, simply listen and take in what he or she has to say.   

Change defensiveness to curiosity. Don’t explain or defend yourself. It may be appropriate to bring the subject up later. For now, though, say the three magic words: “Tell me more!” What has the person giving you feedback observed? What does that person expect or want you to do differently? Don’t assume you know what the other person means…ask questions to clarify your understanding.

Regard all feedback as an act of generosity. Feedback can help you recognize habitual styles that may need to change. It can help you reexamine how you are living your life. It is a wonderful gift. Consider offering sincere appreciation to the bearer of feedback, even acknowledging how difficult it may have been to deliver the news.

Focus on the message, not the packaging. Sometimes feedback is given harshly or by someone with whom we struggle, or there is a mixture of truth and personal distortion in what we are told. Forget about what package the message comes in; what is the message? How can you penetrate the truth contained in the feedback? What can you learn? Contemplation is a critical step in integrating the message.

Reframe the feedback. When we put feedback in a positive light, negative emotions and responses lose their grip. For example, you could see the feedback from your meeting, to help to improve your chance for a promotion, leading you to improve your skills.

The bottom line: Taking feedback to heart puts you in control and takes you out of helplessness. It may require ruthless self-honesty and a little detective work, but the payoff is high.


Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

Recommended Reading

Radical Candor by Kim ScottRadical Candor by Kim Scott 

Radical Candor is the sweet spot between managers who are obnoxiously aggressive on the one side and ruinously empathetic on the other. It is about providing guidance, which involves a mix of praise as well as criticism – delivered to produce better results and help your employees develop their skills and increase success.

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Helpful Resources

 

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Tina Asher
Career Coach • Speaker • Author

With 20+ years in leading, training, sales management, and coaching, Tina Asher brings a broad skillset to helping busy professionals elevate their success. She holds certifications with one of the world's leading sources for science-based, validated assessment and coaching tools. She is a member of the St. Louis National Speakers Association and a graduate of the National Speaker’s Academy. Tina is passionate about serving others to reach their full potential while balancing a full and productive life.

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